Over the last few years I have been itching, itching and scratching feeling displaced, feeling the need to move along. I thought I wanted to go back to the sea. I wanted to get back to the ebb and flow of the tide. The expanse of blue sky whose light is like nothing else.
I am also sick of the online rat race and nearly deleted the lot although I quickly back pedalled on that one after spending an afternoon wandering through the bizarreness of my life and laughing at all the sweet memories that I had recorded and remembered. I started sharing things online so that my children, their children and maybe some future generation could have a good old laugh at what we had got up to on the rocky road that we call life.
Somehow I lost myself amongst it all and started worrying about everything to the point of not posting here on my blog or photos on instagram for fear of them being not good enough, not my best picture, losing followers, stressing about how many likes or comments I had gotten that day, worrying that in the flurry of writing my grammar was correct*. FFS woman get a grip when have you ever really cared what people thought, why start now.
* (and for you grammar nazis out there I'm writing from my heart, my thoughts as they pop into my mind and flow onto the page, I am not however writing an english essay, a piece for publication or anything that requires correctness so if I've made a mistake live with it and take the stick out of your arse).
Being ill didn't help, when you are not thinking straight or much at all due to limited cognitive function things get somewhat misaligned in your head.
Then one spring day after many weeks of dark dank weather the sun shone bright, I zipped up my coat, laced up my boots and I stood surrounded by this glorious space, lifted my head to the sky and I knew that I could not leave this beautiful place just yet. Both of these pictures I have shared are taken from my garden....this beautiful landscape stretches out around me and all I'm doing in moaning about leaving it! Yes it can be dam hard living a rural life especially when you don't fit in with the folk surrounding you but again I don't fit in anywhere...never happy with my lot comes to mind!
I also realised that this applied to my life online, one that I used to cherish because it stopped me feeling so alone, one where I made some wonderful friends and actually got to meet some awesome ones in the flesh, one that kept me sane when stuck in a house with young children and nothing but a dog and a few chickens to chat to. So I'm staying here too.
I hope to post more not bogged down by worries but there is still that perfectionist personality that chunters on in the background undermining every single thing you do so it maybe another 2 months before I post again with some new leaf turned over....I hope not but thats just me and I'm ok with that..
Much Love Rx